When Children’s Fights Get Physical

A parent came to me and said there was a third-grade boy at school making her child miserable. He was always pushing him in line or knocking things out of his hands or grabbing things from him. One day, he took his lunch box and threw it across the room. She was very frustrated, saying that she had already talked to the teacher, but nothing was being done.

First, let me tell you, as a former public-school teacher, there is only so much a teacher can do. She cannot spend the day playing bodyguard to your child.

Also, the instigator is probably not acting out while the teacher is watching. This is happening while the teacher is tending to the other twenty or so kids in the class.

That said, what can you do?

Document everything. Every time it happens, keep a journal with dates and descriptions of what went wrong. First, this is for you. We are so naturally protective of our children that a thing doesn’t have to happen often for us to feel like it is happening every day. Second, you want this when you talk to the teacher, the school counselor, and the administrator. This is to protect your child when they finally haul off and hit the child back (hopefully it doesn’t come to that), or to argue that this is an ongoing problem not
being resolved and justifying moving your child to another room.

Most importantly, work on your child. Children who are confident, hang out in groups, and learn to use humor to get out of stressful situations, usually don’t get picked on in the first place. It’s the ones that isolate, cry easily or go straight to anger that reinforce the bully’s behavior. The bully was hoping to get a rise out of your child. Don’t get me wrong – it’s great to be a caring and sensitive kid, there is just a time and place for displaying emotions.

Finally, realize that extinguishing a behavior usually causes it to get worse before it stops altogether. The aggressor might be confused because up until now, their behavior has served its purpose – upsetting your child, so they try even harder. In time, they will move on to someone else.