In Kathryn Kvols book, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior,”
she addressed the difference between feeling stoppers and feeling encouragers. She goes on to say that “feelings forced underground can cause misbehavior.” I agree.
When I have to address a disagreement about a toy, it is usually less helpful for me to say something like this, “We don’t cry just because someone takes a toy.”
In truth, we might cry over that, it depends. It would be better to say something like this, “You seem frustrated (or sad).” Then wait for a response.
This allows the child to think about how they are feeling.
Maybe it has just been a bad day and this is part of multiple negative
interactions. Maybe it’s more simple. I had it, now she has it.
Whichever it is, affirm the feeling first, then you can move on to what to do with big feelings or simply modeling problem solving skills, if needed. I might say, “When I’m sad, I like to _ to make me feel better.” (If you can’t easily fill in the blank, then maybe you have some feelings work to do too! And that’s okay!)
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